Ok so I think I am crazy- Jesse mentioned to me a couple weeks ago that Hinder is coming to Ft Leonardwood on the 19th. I was totally amazed and thought it would be cool so my instant reaction was I wanna go but then the realistic side of me kicked in....
BUUUTTT LAST night i mentioned it to a couple friends and they wanna go to sooo I guess we are driving ten hours for a concert and to see Jesse- I still sit here as I write this and I am like WHAT I am really gonna see Jesse and Hinder all in one night.... hmmm... craziness!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Changes lead to anger and frustration...
The last 24-hours have probably been the most frustrating hours I have gone through in a very long time!
Yesterday morning I found my car broken into and at least $2000 of my personal possessions missing- its not the material things that makes me so mad it is the fact that it was my property and I feel like I was violated. It is the scariest thing knowing that someone broke into my car and I was sleeping less than 100-feet away!
Yes there are some anger feelings back toward Jesse and I am trying very hard not to let them get the best of me but it is very hard not to. HE SHOULD BE HERE is what I keep telling myself- I should NOT have to deal with all of this mess on my own! OK I know that sounds very selfish of me to say but I am totally overwhelmed with decisions and things to do. I didn't sign up for this stuff to happen but I guess I have to fall back on the very true statement "WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!" that is definitely how I am feeling!
So it is 4am and I sit here WIDE awake when lately it has been the hardest thing to get myself out of bed but I am FREAKED! I want so many things mainly I want to feel safe and that is not something I feel right now- I feel like I am the only person in the world and I have to protect my two amazing children.
I am trying to be okay- Really I am but I didn't sign up for all of this and if I knew this would all be a part of this life changing experience I would have fought like hell for this change to never happen!
Yesterday morning I found my car broken into and at least $2000 of my personal possessions missing- its not the material things that makes me so mad it is the fact that it was my property and I feel like I was violated. It is the scariest thing knowing that someone broke into my car and I was sleeping less than 100-feet away!
Yes there are some anger feelings back toward Jesse and I am trying very hard not to let them get the best of me but it is very hard not to. HE SHOULD BE HERE is what I keep telling myself- I should NOT have to deal with all of this mess on my own! OK I know that sounds very selfish of me to say but I am totally overwhelmed with decisions and things to do. I didn't sign up for this stuff to happen but I guess I have to fall back on the very true statement "WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!" that is definitely how I am feeling!
So it is 4am and I sit here WIDE awake when lately it has been the hardest thing to get myself out of bed but I am FREAKED! I want so many things mainly I want to feel safe and that is not something I feel right now- I feel like I am the only person in the world and I have to protect my two amazing children.
I am trying to be okay- Really I am but I didn't sign up for all of this and if I knew this would all be a part of this life changing experience I would have fought like hell for this change to never happen!
Friday, August 21, 2009
TWO MONTHS FROM TODAY!!!
WOW my last post was old! One month and 4 days before I saw Jesse now it is TWO MONTHS UNTIL JESSE COMES HOME!!!
When I got to see him it was the craziest thing. I wanted to run up and jump in his arms because I had the urge to do so but I had to remember MILITARY RULES- Ahhh I hate that phrase. I couldn't even give him a peck on the cheek in public.
The day of family day they changed the time and pushed it back two hours- TRUST me those two hours seemed like two days! I had two screaming kids and I wanted to join in!
Family day was fun- we went to WALMART- the only shopping place they had within a 20-mile radius of ft leonardwood- Nicholae got a toy from his daddy that he was on CLOUD 9 to get. We then celebrated Jesse's birthday because Nicholae was devistated when he found out that daddy will be "armying" on his Birthday. It was fun and I hope Jesse enjoyed it.
Graduation was pretty cool- but the most impressive thing about Jesse was when we were in the hotel and the kids' stuff was on the floor and my shoes were just kinda in the doorway where I kicked them off Jesse preceeded to line them up in a perfect line.... I looked and my Grandma and laughed- she knew EXACTLY what I was laughing at. The Jesse I know would NEVER have done that all of his crap woulda been all over the hotel room too but this time he had all of his stuff neatly organized in one spot *SHOCKED*
It will be very interesting when he comes home- the three of us have been managing just fine so I hope that when Jesse comes home he doesn't feel out of place or that he doesn't belong. We all miss him but we can't put our lives on hold while he is out living his dream.
I have more to say but not sure where to begin...
When I got to see him it was the craziest thing. I wanted to run up and jump in his arms because I had the urge to do so but I had to remember MILITARY RULES- Ahhh I hate that phrase. I couldn't even give him a peck on the cheek in public.
The day of family day they changed the time and pushed it back two hours- TRUST me those two hours seemed like two days! I had two screaming kids and I wanted to join in!
Family day was fun- we went to WALMART- the only shopping place they had within a 20-mile radius of ft leonardwood- Nicholae got a toy from his daddy that he was on CLOUD 9 to get. We then celebrated Jesse's birthday because Nicholae was devistated when he found out that daddy will be "armying" on his Birthday. It was fun and I hope Jesse enjoyed it.
Graduation was pretty cool- but the most impressive thing about Jesse was when we were in the hotel and the kids' stuff was on the floor and my shoes were just kinda in the doorway where I kicked them off Jesse preceeded to line them up in a perfect line.... I looked and my Grandma and laughed- she knew EXACTLY what I was laughing at. The Jesse I know would NEVER have done that all of his crap woulda been all over the hotel room too but this time he had all of his stuff neatly organized in one spot *SHOCKED*
It will be very interesting when he comes home- the three of us have been managing just fine so I hope that when Jesse comes home he doesn't feel out of place or that he doesn't belong. We all miss him but we can't put our lives on hold while he is out living his dream.
I have more to say but not sure where to begin...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
1month 4 days... seems like forever!
Every day I look at my tracker at the top of my blog hoping that it will say ONE DAY!
This as been one of the longest weeks of my life it seems- I feel like I am LOOSING it! I can't wait until I get to see his face- and see what he says to all of the changes that have happened to me and the kids! I am getting Tori's ears pierced- can't wait. Since he's left I have gotten a tattoo symbolizing my personal growth and my hair is now dark brown and I have so far *cross my fingers* have lost 10lbs since he left. AND I am rediscovering myself and taking time to do the things I enjoy!
The thing that I think about to get me through each one of these difficult days is imagining how bright out future is looking....
This as been one of the longest weeks of my life it seems- I feel like I am LOOSING it! I can't wait until I get to see his face- and see what he says to all of the changes that have happened to me and the kids! I am getting Tori's ears pierced- can't wait. Since he's left I have gotten a tattoo symbolizing my personal growth and my hair is now dark brown and I have so far *cross my fingers* have lost 10lbs since he left. AND I am rediscovering myself and taking time to do the things I enjoy!
The thing that I think about to get me through each one of these difficult days is imagining how bright out future is looking....
Sunday, June 28, 2009
5-minute phone call...
Jesse called tonight- Nicholae talked to him for most of the time. It was okay because I didn't know what to say. I am as confused as ever with him. The part that confuses me the most today is that so long before he left he would say he was done with me and how he didn't care about anything and then once he leaves I get mushy letters... wish I had an explanation for that one.
I told him about his pay being screwed up so we shall see when it gets fixed... bills are piling up and not looking to cool for the next month trying to pay things!
I told him about his pay being screwed up so we shall see when it gets fixed... bills are piling up and not looking to cool for the next month trying to pay things!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
He Called...
So Jesse called tonight while I was at my grandma's house for supper with her and my parents. Nicholae got to talk to him for a few seconds and then I did. The length of the call was a wapping 2min 54seconds! but I guess I have to take what I can get.
Its really hard to talk to him because there is so much background noise and the excitement that I actually am talking to him. There is just so much I want to say but hard to say it with the little time there is to get everything out.
So for now I will just be blogging and counting down the days until he comes home and we can move one with our lives in which ever direction we decide.
Its really hard to talk to him because there is so much background noise and the excitement that I actually am talking to him. There is just so much I want to say but hard to say it with the little time there is to get everything out.
So for now I will just be blogging and counting down the days until he comes home and we can move one with our lives in which ever direction we decide.
Jesse's Anniversary Card to Me....
It isn't easy being so in love with you and not being able to see you everyday. There are times when I'd give anything just to be able to gaze into your eyes or hold you in my arms, even for a few minutes. I always feel incomplete like a part of me is missing, when we're not together. I know that, right now, this is how things have to be, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. Everyday without you just reminds me of the joy you add to my life, joy that I'm missing.... a lot.
So don't forget that I love you, that I'm thinking of you, and that I'm counting every minute until we're together again.
NOT sure at all what to think--- let me give you a little info to back my confusion to this card... When Jesse left we left it as we would be discussing divorce once he returned. So with this card it makes it very difficult to believe this because the last few months before he left were not so good. I personally think that life is too short to be un-happy and that is exactly what both of us were... un-happy.
So don't forget that I love you, that I'm thinking of you, and that I'm counting every minute until we're together again.
NOT sure at all what to think--- let me give you a little info to back my confusion to this card... When Jesse left we left it as we would be discussing divorce once he returned. So with this card it makes it very difficult to believe this because the last few months before he left were not so good. I personally think that life is too short to be un-happy and that is exactly what both of us were... un-happy.
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